Growth opportunities
Wednesday, August 14, 2019
I've had a full day of growth opportunities. It actually started the other day when I was busy telling S what she needed to do. I was telling her all about my ideas for what would make her better. We even got a little snippy with each other about it. I mentioned to a recovery friend that S wasn't really wanting to listen to me when I told her what she should do to fix her problems. My friend listened to me bitch and then asked if I was S. Well, no, obviously I'm not. Well then, she says, why in the world would you think you know what she should do? Have you figured out your shit yet? Have you got this living thing so perfected that you're the expert that can now advise others? Well, no, I say. I just want her to be happy. My friend says well then, leave her be to work on her own issues. Don't you think one of S's problems is that you fucked everything up and she's had to clean up after you for so long? Don't you think something that will help is if you concentrate on you?
Damn! This recovery shit is making me think. It's making me look at myself, at my behavior, at my decision-making skills (or lack thereof). After the conversation with my friend, I text S and tell her I'm sorry for trying to work a program for her, that I realize I can't do that, and I'll try to keep myself on my side of the street. Today, I'm busy telling S that I think she should go to Al Anon. My main reason for encouraging this is because I thought Al Anon was for mostly normal people who have an alcoholic/addict loved one and want to know how to deal with them. I want her to learn how to deal with me. The thing is, though, she needs to figure out for herself what will work for her. She's a very intelligent adult who's perfectly capable of finding her own path. I have my hands full with myself. I'm the one who couldn't figure out how to live day to day without drugs or drinking so perhaps I should just stay in my lane. So, yeah, I'm working on that.
I belong to an American Expats in NZ group on Facebook and today someone posted about how they are worried about being double taxed for their US social security and pension. The poster was being very negative all while people were posting links and info trying to help her out. She finally said she was fed up and was moving back to the US because this all sucked or something like that. Well, it touched a nerve in me so I posted "If you really think you’ll get a better deal in the US then head on out. Seems like you’ve already made that decision no matter what these helpful people are telling you." A few hours later someone posts on my comment: "She's just had some major news that she wasn't expecting. She's worried about her financial stability and is processing while researching. Let's give her a minute." I instantly realize that I've responded to the OP from my own shitty attitude that really had nothing to do with her. Fuck. Now that I realize this I can't let it just sit out there. Fuck. I have to make it right so I post: "You are totally right. I'm in the US right now and I'm up to here with everyone telling me how much better the US is so I'm projecting my own shit and for that I apologize, OP. I hope you get the info you need here to make a sound decision for yourself."
So now I feel pretty good about myself. I've seen where I went wrong and I've made amends. And then someone notices how awesome I am: "That was some good self-reflection there. ???? You were maybe a little harsh on yourself, but it’s refreshing to see someone take feedback and reconsider." I'm feeling chuffed because I've done some good shit today. And then I realize that if I hadn't been an ass in the first place there would have been no need for this entire conversation so I guess I'm not as enlightened as I wanted to be today. I have, however, made progress. A few weeks ago I would have been unable to see my part in this and stewed in my righteous indignation. So yay for less stewing!
Yet another thing that happened today was my sister-in-law posted something on Facebook that involved Jesus and I instantly blocked it out. She posted a meme about a dad who wants to get his kid off his back for a bit so he takes a picture of a world map out of a magazine and rips it into small pieces. He then gives it to the kid and tells him to go put the puzzle back together. The father relaxes on the couch thinking he's now got at least an hour of free time when the kid comes right back in with the map all taped back together. The father is flabbergasted! "How did you do that so fast?" The kid says, "There was a picture of Jesus on the back. I put Him back in and the world just fell into place." Now at my current state of spiritual development, I'm not a fan of Jesus. I'm not a fan of his followers. I'm not a fan of organized religion. So, I write this little story off as more church propaganda and go about my day.
During work I either listen to music or AA speaker tapes. Today I was listening to a speaker who was quite good. He had a lot of good stuff to say, a lot of which I took the time out to make notes about. In the middle of his talk he pulls out this same story only instead of a picture of Jesus on the back, it's just a picture of a person. The kid says "I put the person back together and the whole world fell into place." Now THAT resonated with me. It was only the word Jesus that put me off in the first place. I realized that I've been possibly missing things that I might find enlightening, interesting, helpful because it seems too christian. Don't get me wrong, I have good reason to dislike the church. I've personally been persecuted by some of the most God fearing, bible thumping, hardcore evangelicals out there. I think they're toxic, hateful, damaging people who use their god to beat the rest of us down. I think if they truly had their way anyone with the slightest amount of difference would be executed or locked in cages. My wife and I would have no rights and would, indeed, be criminals. We may even have already been honor murdered by our very own loving families. So, no, I don't have really any respect for them. However, I'm coming to believe that my recovery depends on my ability to have a concept of a higher power. I mean, surely there's something out there more powerful than myself. I can't make the sun rise or fall. I can't make it rain or not. I can't make the seemingly impossible possible. And I have seen these things happen. So there must be something out there. In step two it says that we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. In step three it says we turned our will and our life over to the care of that higher power. I was a hopeless drug addict and alcoholic. Nothing I did made any difference no matter how much I didn't want to use. It wasn't until I came to believe that there was something in the universe that could help me that I was able to stop. I still don't know what that something is but I know it's there. And I've experienced that when I say something like "Please just help me get through this day without using drugs or drinking" I make it through the day. There are a lot of things that will help me along the way and I need to keep my eyes and my heart open to recognize them when they pass my way.
Being able to reflect on these things and feel grateful for the opportunities feels so good to me right now. In the past, I was so blinded by my own crap that I wasn't grateful for anything. I was a miserable wreck who just wanted to get through each day without being sick. Today, I don't have to live that way anymore. I'm discovering things about myself. I'm seeing how my behavior affects others. I'm having the chance to tell the people I love "I'm sorry. I'll do better." Those things are utterly priceless.