Today, I was hanging out at my house when I heard a scrabbling noise at my door. I peeked out the little viewer and saw a woman putting notes in everybody’s doors. I opened mine and found a letter from the property management of my apartment complex. It’s a list of reminders of the property rules. Just when I think living here can offer me no further life lessons, I am handed these (directly quoted so all misspellings and grammatical errors are theirs):
Satellite dish’s can only be kept with in a residents rentable space and not attached to the building and or standing freely with no wiring coming out of windows or on a post in the property.
All garbage is to be in plastic bags and to be disposed of into the trash dumpsters and not let out side of the trash dumpster and or not out side a residents window and or hallway.
Grease: There is to be no dumping of grease out side the windows at any time. This is not only a Health violation it will damage the siding we just installed.
Storage: Please do not leave any bicycles, BBQ’s chained or un chained and or any shoes etc. in the hallways and or in front of your apartment home. Any thing that is left out will be tossed out.
And my absolute favorite of all:
Urination in Hallways: At no time is there to be pet and or human urination in the hallways. This is a serious Health violation. No compliance can result in the termination of your lease.
I live in a place where the residents need to be reminded not to pee in the hallway. Really?
Three more weeks and I’m moving out of this third world country and back into the land where you don’t have to remind people not to use the hallway as their own personal toilet or throw grease out the kitchen window.
I had to look up the phone number for my apartment complex yesterday so I googled it. I found the listing and was amused to see this was the description on the property owner’s page:
“The Heights at Burien offers you an idyllic community, nestled within towering trees and lush, green lawns. Surrounded by breathtaking mountain scenery and stunning views of Puget Sound, you are enticed inside by a tree-lined drive and welcomed into a charming neighborhood of spacious, colonial-style apartment homes.Outside you will find a community garden and covered picnic areas while inside you will enjoy a state-of-the-art fitness center and resident business center. Once inside your newly renovated apartment home you will enjoy updated, European cabinetry, appliances, flooring and lighting and you will enjoy inviting friends or family over for an evening of entertainment.
The Heights at Burien offers an optimal location with Sea-Tac International Airport within minutes of your home as well as a perfect shopping experience at South Center Mall. For outdoor recreation, golfing, parks and Seahurst Beach are moments away, providing opportunities for a scenic stroll or picnic. Conveniently located for public transportation with easy access to downtown, The Heights at Burien is only minutes from work, major attractions and all that the Seattle area has to offer.
It is a community, it is a neighborhood, it is a lifestyle.
The Heights at Burien: It is home.”
If there were truth in advertising, the advert would read:
“The Heights at Burien offers you an eclectic community of drug dealers, multi-generational households, and single parent/latchkey kid households. It is nestled within towering trees and dirt covered lawns. Surrounded by broken down cars on blocks and stunning views of the overflowing dumpsters, you are enticed inside by a tree-lined drive and welcomed into a charming neighborhood of cramped, military-style apartment homes.
Outside you will find a community cigarette butt garden and graffiti-covered picnic areas while inside you will enjoy ancient washers and dryers located conveniently in the dank basement of each building. Once inside your apartment home you will enjoy quaint antique appliances, flooring and lighting. Enjoy open expanses of wall space without the clutter of excess electrical outlets. We believe in community so you’ll be able to hear everything your neighbors say and do on the other side of the paper thin walls. Let the mellow contact high from your neighbor’s marijuana parties and the soothing sounds of Tejano music mixed with domestic violence lull you to sleep. You will look forward to your friends and family inviting you over to their house for dinner.
The Heights at Burien offers an optimal location with Little Pat’s Diner within minutes of your home as well as a perfect shopping experience at the Burien community garage sale. For outdoor recreation, the Burien police department has cleaned out the crack park across Ambaum Way providing opportunities for a scenic stroll or picnic, before dark that is. Conveniently located for public transportation with easy access to downtown, The Heights at Burien is only minutes from work, major attractions and the county courthouse to take care of those pesky warrants.
It is a community, it is a neighborhood, it is a ghetto.
The Heights at Burien: Don’t forget your bullet proof vest.”
Yep, that’s more like the place I call home.