Flashes from the past
Tuesday, August 27, 2019
When I first got clean and sober back in 2002, I went to see a therapist that was paid for my the EMS department where I worked. I had gone to my supervisors and admitted I had a problem so it was in their best interests as well to make sure I got all the help I needed. At first things went well with her. We developed a rapport and I was able to discuss things with her and finally stop relapsing. It took a bit. After I'd been seeing her for a while, I began having memories surface of shit that happened to me as a child. The memories led to total body flashbacks that were, quite frankly, horrible.
Every time I'd have a flashback I'd write about it. I'd write down the whole experience, every single detail, and send it to her in an email. She knew this was very disruptive to my life but there never seemed to be any type of treatment to help me deal with the flashbacks or all the shit that came with them. She'd tell me, "This too shall pass," and other platitudes that didn't really help.
Now I'll be the first to admit that my feelings for her became VERY unhealthy. I've since learned that this is quite common in the therapy setting and it's up to the therapist to explain that it may happen. Especially to someone who had never really been to therapy before but she never did. I started Googling her and finding out everything I could about her which turned out to be a surprising amount of information. I started going to the same gym she went to at the same time she went. I found out her mother had written poetry so I got a copy of the book. Yes, I went way overboard and was highly inappropriate. I have no excuse except to say that I was extremely vulnerable and I felt completely out of control over what was happening to me. I had stopped doing drugs and was trying to learn new coping mechanisms. I was having these horrible flashbacks and didn't know how to handle that. I was finding out things about my childhood that I had buried for decades. There was a lot going on. I continued to have the flashbacks for months. It was a truly awful experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Reliving every single thing that was done to me mentally, emotionally, physically as if it was happening right now was excruciating. But again nothing really changed in our therapy sessions. We would just talk about what had happened.
Eventually I began to feel guilty for knowing all this stuff about her that I was sure she'd be upset about. I mentioned that I had become a bit obsessed with her during a session and she asked how I meant that. I then told her all this info I had found out. She, of course, was horrified. She had no idea this much info was available in the first place and that I had then sought it out was hard for her to hear. She ended our therapy relationship that day. I walked out of her office with out any clue how to help myself and only the name of a male therapist as a referral.
I went to see the male therapist just once because I was desperate only to discover that he wasn't for me. I ended up not going back to therapy for a few years and just muddling through on my own. Eventually I needed to find someone else and I did. I found a fantastic therapist named Cari Foote in Marble Falls. She explained to me that I should never have been allowed to just sit in all that emotional shit my mind was pouring out. She was a proponent of EMDR and used that on me to help process my traumatic memories. It made all the difference! I felt better after just one session than I had in a very long time. This then led me to carry some resentments towards the previous therapist. Why would she have let me go through all that?
I hadn't seen or heard from that first therapist in probably 15 years until today when a friend on FB posted a link to her FB page. I gotta admit that the feelings that came up towards her were not kind. I guess there's still a bit of anger there that it's time to let go. I made it out the other side so it all worked out in the end I guess. I hope she has managed to grow as a professional and doesn't do to anyone else what she did to me. I certainly learned about boundaries and I've not gotten that obsessed about someone I wasn't dating ever again. It's just weird how all that old shit can just appear out of nowhere sometimes.