For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a writer. I wanted to have my stories published and read by everyone in the world. I wanted to be rich and famous or at the very least well off and well known. I'm 45 years old now and I haven't done anything with the writing gift I was given. I've got half finished stories and nebulous ideas but little else to show for the ambition I carried around for so long. Ambition without drive is a heart breaking thing. Every day I have ideas. My brain is always going. My imagination is always in overdrive but when it comes to actually writing it, I can't muster the energy or the desire to put a single letter on the page.
The other day, Shannon was telling me yet again that I needed to blog about one thing or another and I told her I just couldn't be bothered. She said, "That's why you'll never be a writer." Ever since, those words have been haunting me, mocking me. "That's why you'll never be a writer."
I've been holding on to this desire since I was in single digits. A writer is the one thing I always wanted to be even as the other ambitions came and went. Is it time to give it up? Is it time to admit that I don't have the drive, the self-motivation, to make it as a writer? The thought leaves me with a feeling of complete and utter loss and at the same time relief. I've been beating myself up for so long because I feel like such a failure. I mean, how difficult is it to turn off the TV and spend a few minutes writing stuff down?
Most of the time I find it difficult to write unless I'm in the right frame of mind. The problem is I can't get in the right frame of mind for anything. I don't want to work. I don't want to write. I don't want to do anything but stare at the TV and zone out. I feel like a spectator in my own life and I just don't know what to do to get myself into a more active role. I feel useless most of the time. I can't summon up much enthusiasm about anything.
I'm not yet ready to give up on my dream. I have hope that one day I'll feel like living again. Maybe I'll never be a writer but then again maybe I will. I'm not ready for it to be over yet though.