Skinny Dipping
Wednesday, August 7, 2019
I feel amazing today! Work was good as always. I had some tasks to do that made a difference when done. M&R are happy for me to stay until the end of September. When I got home, after M&B left, I had the house to myself so I went skinny dipping in the pool. It felt wonderful!! Floating along with my submerged half under the cool water and my exposed half tickled with the hot breeze. I've been numb for so long, having sensations again felt weird. But oh so nice! ;) I'm sitting in the living room now with nothing but my robe on. It's good to be alone. I have a 6pm meeting I'll go to so looking forward to that. I found a couple of apps for sober people so we'll see how that turns out. Here's what I shared on the JFT email today:
"Hi all, I'm an addict named Amy. I'm so grateful that I have 10 days clean today. It's been so many years of numbing myself and my feelings that today even aches and pains feel good. I found myself really living in my body today. When I was working I could feel my arms and legs moving, my blood pumping, by lungs breathing. Even the headache I've had pretty much constantly the last 10 days feels okay. It's been so long since I really FELT any physical sensations. I've been so wrapped up in my head and "how am I gonna get high today" that I just ignored everything. I didn't feel emotions, physical sensations, nothing. Today after work, I had the house to myself so I jumped in the pool buck ass naked. It felt amazing! The water was just cold enough to make my skin break out in goose bumps. Because I immediately pop to the surface like a cork I just floated around feeling the cold water on my submerged half and the ovenlike hot breeze on my exposed half. My head was underwater so all I could hear was the gurgling of the pool filter. It's been a long time since I've been able to be in silence. "Silence screams the truth" (P!nk lyric) and I've been avoiding the truth at all costs. But today I was able to enjoy the silence and the stillness and just be in the moment.
I am truly grateful that I've been given this chance to get my life back. I've always pictured that emptiness inside, that void, that hole I've been trying to fill as The Nothing from The Neverending Story. It's a black void of nothingness that consumes everything. I've continued to pour drugs, booze, money, time, love, jobs, relationships, everything into The Nothing and it just..never..stops. I was allowing it to consume everything I held dear. I suddenly had this moment of clarity that I could continue to do what I've been doing and it would never...be...enough. There would never be enough of anything I have that would stop it and it would continue that way until I died. Death was the only outcome. I would continue to be a victim and a perpetrator for the rest of my life hurting everyone around me who loves me until there was no one left and I died alone. I realized that's not how my life is going to go. That's not what I'm here for. That is NOT who I am. That seems to have been the switch that flipped or that spiritual experience everyone's talking about. The miracle seems to finally have happened. Today I have 10 days that have been better than the last 5 years. I'm so grateful I've been able to make it back."
I heard a lot of good things at the meeting I went to. There were 27 people there so a big meeting. One of the women shared her story and she could have been sharing mine. So similar! Afterward there was pizza with family and friends then my nightly call to my sponsor. I'm grateful I found a sponsor who's compassionate, helpful, and willing to be there for me. I'm also super grateful for my California friend who's always there to lend an ear, offer suggestions, be a sounding board, and love me even when I don't feel lovable. I'm going to be a better friend from here on out as well. Okay it's late. Gotta sleep.