What a difference two weeks makes
Thursday, August 8, 2019
Today I revisited places I'd been just two weeks ago when I was still using drugs. Two weeks ago, I was so desperate to get high I went to lengths I'm not proud of. Links I can't really talk about in a public forum. Two weeks ago I swallowed a handful of pills just wanting to numb myself, to not feel, to not be sick, to NOT. I only wanted to be submerged in the familiar molasses where I'd been functioning for so many years. Two weeks ago, I was a hopeless drug addict with nothing in my future but sadness, despair, and eventually death.
Today that is not the case. Today I have hope. Today I have a life again. I was submerged underwater unable to see or hear, my limbs moving slowly and heavily, the weight of shame, guilt, regret pulling me deeper still and just like that, the weights were lifted and I popped to the surface. The light is blinding, the sound deafening, the sensations overwhelming but all still so delicious! I feel almost reborn! The last time I got clean and sober I remember being miserable for the first couple of weeks. This time, though, I feel so good. I FEEL! Sometimes I can't stop crying but even that is a welcome change. I have so many memories of literally swallowing my emotions, swallowing that lump in my throat, forcefully pushing the tears back into my body. Today, the emotions flow free, sometimes all at once but still so much better than before.
I discovered today that pretty much everyone who knows me now knows where I'm at right now. My mom has told her close friends and Shannon has told most of our friends as well. I feel pretty ambivalent about it to be honest. Maybe I wouldn't have broadcast it to the world if I'd had my druthers but knowing that others know isn't exactly making me uncomfortable either. The more people that know the less I can get away with. Accountability, honesty, openness are super important especially since I've spent so many years hiding, lying, and dying. It's time to live now in all its messy, scary, wonderful glory!