Texas girl in the middle of Kiwiana

Amy Boatman

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Fuck Waiting

So far one of the hardest things about this whole cancer journey has been the waiting. I found the lump and had to wait to see my doctor. I saw my doctor then had to wait for the mammogram and ultrasound. I had those then had to wait to see my doctor again who referred me to a specialist. Had to wait to see him. I had the biopsies that day and then had to wait for the results. Found out I had cancer then had to wait to see the oncologist. Saw him then had to wait to get tests done. Now all that is done and I waiting to start chemo. I'm so tired of waiting!

I'm the kind of person who can dither all day about things uncertain. But when something is inevitable I just want to get it over with! I know that in the grand scheme of things waiting eight weeks from first discovery of an anomaly to treatment isn't that long but it's felt like six months to me. Over the weekend I was doing some reading on what's good to eat or not eat during chemo. There's so much info out there it's hard to narrow down what's helpful. It also totally depends on how my body tolerates the chemo. Will I be hungry? Will I not? Will everything make me nauseous? Will I feel pretty much the same as I do now? Will my mouth get tender so I can't eat some stuff? Will my taste buds change and things will taste weird? There's so much I don't know which makes it all hard to plan. I want to start now!

I want chemo to fix everything that's wrong with me which I realize isn't feasible. I want it to help me control my eating and help me lose weight. Honestly though I know that if I don't get my own eating issues under control no amount of weight loss would stick anyway.

Honestly I'm just tired of being in this holding pattern. Let's get this started!